Hollywood for decades has had a huge impact on western society by sharing the belief that if a woman is not a size 2, she is not worthy. Unfortunately this belief has led to many women experiencing self loathing, low self esteem and eating disorders. Things are slowly shifting as there are many plus size women advocating for other large women, by spreading the message that being big is okay. There is a term for this message and it is called the fat acceptance movement.

I honestly have mixed views on this. The positive side about the fat acceptance movement is that it promotes self acceptance. You are told regardless of what size you are, you are fine and you are worthy. That is great, as everyone, men and women need to accept themselves and love themselves regardless of size. My concern about the fact acceptance movement is that it may be having the complete opposite affect on people. Instead of shaming your body for not being a size 2, this message may be influencing others to believe that it is fine to overeat, not work out, and not worry about nutrition at all. Neither extreme is good.

I have to say I have always hated society’s expectations. I have an inner-rebel in me when it comes to society, and I am also very overweight. There are many reasons for my high weight. One reason is because of my inner-rebel going against society’s perfect size 2 mentality. However, that is a fraction. My weight more than anything represents my depression, people-pleasing and being a caretaker for so long. There is also a false belief that you are protected by having extra weight. Protection from what though? Logically there is no answer, however, depression lies to you about that. Depression feeds into obesity, and obesity intensifies depression. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be broken. In this case, I am not supporting the fat acceptance movement because I cannot accept myself at this weight. I’s not natural.

I am not less worthy than someone who is a size 2. It has nothing to do with that. The truth is, I am not healthy at this weight. Yes, my blood pressure and cholesterol may be fine, and I am not diabetic thank goodness. I am just lucky! To me, my weight represents poor mental health. How can that be okay? My weight is once again a sign that I have let my depression just go out of control.

I am not happy with my external environment, however, I do understand that none of that will change unless I change myself first. My weight is a sign of that things within myself are very out of balance. I deserve to be happy and successful. My depression has lied to me for so long about that, but now I know the truth. I am making changes. In fact I told my daughter to take a picture of me today, which I will use as my before picture. I didn’t want to see it as I told her to keep it. When I am ready, whenever that is, she will send it to me. Will it make me cry? Yes it will and I expect that. I also hope that when I do see it, I will marvel at how far I have come since this time.

Losing weight is not the answer, as my behavior and mindset need to change. I have lost a tonne of weight over a decade ago. When I discovered my son has autism, the weight came back on and then some. Life will always present challenges and sadness. However, I need to be at a place where I will not turn to food or anything else destructive if something goes very wrong.

For now, I am committed to going through a strict weight loss regimen, something that I have not done before. I owe it to myself to stick with it and I believe it will help alleviate my depression. I need to get serious about getting my mind healthier. I still have my inner-rebel in me. Will I ever become a size 2? Not over my dead body. I don’t have to. I just want to be healthy, and happier, and more successful. I think a healthy body and mind acceptance movement. That is completely natural.